Tale of the Warlord Conor Barach
My name is Conor Barach, and I am a banished warlord from Faerûn. I ruled over numerous lands as a benevolent ruler who cared for all and protected them with moderate success. I was banished because I had a habit of burning houses. After all, the colors were very pretty, and I wanted to share them with my subjects, but I no longer do that because I've heard it can land me in a dungeon. After my banishment, I walked to Towson and started squatting outside the famous Raising Cane's because of its close proximity to all a warlord needs. I realized I look nothing like everyone else, so I had to quickly discard my old garbs and get my swag up by purchasing new clothing. It was difficult to find bounty boards around Towson, so I took it upon myself to dispatch any person or creature that gave off an unpleasant aura. After defeating some evildoers, I got accosted by a seemingly innocent person who said they were going to report my crime, but I wasn't fooled by their disguise and quickly dispatched them and fled back to the warm safety of Raising Cane's. Whenever I get bored, I find myself throwing bags of trash at people and then deceiving them into thinking it was some random civilian. I found out there are other methods of getting money other than bounty hunting, so I decided to try that out, and in the past year, I was hired and fired from the Consumer Value Store due to an awesome trick I showed my coworker. Confusingly, if you ask the store manager, they will say I stole money, which is a gross misrepresentation of what transpired. When I need to go places and I don't feel like walking, I tend to show the nearest taxi driver my favorite finger and then proceed to launch them into a trash can. This is my way of asking for a favor, and it has been extremely successful so far. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, the car I borrow has a DVD player in it, and I get to watch whatever is playing, and my favorite movie so far has been Madagascar; those animals are just so funny. When I want to wind down from being an awesome warlord, I usually play solitaire with a deck of cards I found in my pocket. When solitaire gets boring, I partake in some fine wine I snuck onto my person when I was banished, and that turns solitaire into Goofy Solitaire. It's just like normal solitaire, but more physical and active. Sometimes, I end up wrestling the cards cause they give me dirty looks, those rat bastards. This goes on until I have tired myself out, and then I retreat to my Raising Cane's branded sleeping quarters, but if there is someone sitting on my bed, I politely shove them into oncoming traffic and then drift off into pleasant dreams.
Before Becoming a Warlord
Prior to becoming the awesome warlord I am today, I was a humble monk who traveled the lands preaching the good word. One very slow day, when I felt like my preaching was not reaching enough people, I was approached by a man wearing strangely bright clothing and holding a cane with a gem on the top of it. He taught me about the profession of pimping and how it saves people, just like how preaching saves people. I was hesitant at first due to his dubious nature, but he reassured me that it was all ethical, and it was just a matter of changing my perspective, and I would understand. He gave me his cane and hat to start, and he sent me on my way. Although preaching and pimping appear to be completely different, the way I pimped was righteous and all in the name of higher powers. While I was pimping, I accumulated many followers and many more spoils. I had enough spoils that I was able to purchase an old castle that I turned into my own special pimping palace. I became such a popular pimp that people from neighboring cities moved to my city, which led to me being viewed negatively by neighboring leaders for stealing their subjects. Although I tried to solve these issues with words, they more often than not led to violence, which is how I got the title of warlord.
The Weapons Stash
Generally, I do not like to fight, but if I have no other choice, I dispatch my enemies with swift efficiency. My weapon of choice is plastic lightsabers due to their unassuming nature, which allows me to take them almost anywhere. Before I got the lightsabers, I used to use my fists, but they hurt after a while, so I ended up borrowing some lightsabers from a local store. In case you were curious, I have never lost a fight because I am a winner, and winners always win.
A Warlord's Favorite Thing
A warlord such as myself has a treasure trove of weapons, armors, trophies, and maidens that I have acquired over the years; however, there is something above all that I adore and cherish: LEGO Batman. I love LEGO Batman more than anything. Whether it is the minifigures, the sets, or the games, there is just something intensely captivating about LEGO Batman. The games, in particular, are perfect examples of perfection. Running around as LEGO Batman in Gotham City, smashing anything and everything into studs, produces an unmatched feeling of euphoria. The process of unlocking every character and seeing the roster fill out should be considered the highest feat of human accomplishment, the way it is able to bring me pure, unbridled joy. LEGO Batman is not just an intellectual property; no, LEGO Batman is relaxation, pure joy, and most importantly, a true friend.